There have been many times that I told myself I’d never get to write this blog post. There have been many times that I have dreamed what I would say if I were ever one of the lucky ones. And as I sit here at my computer, puppy in my lap, coffee (decaf) close by, I’m pretty stumped for words. All the words I thought I would want to say have gone and I am left with a heart that is full of excitement, disbelief, worry, fear, hope, and thankfulness.
My husband and I started our journey to start a family almost two years ago. We had been talking about it and finally made the decision while on vacation with Nate’s family at the beach that this would be the month to start trying. We did it that way so that if we conceived within the next 3-4 months, my wedding season wouldn’t be too affected and other plans made far in advance wouldn’t be affected. It’s crazy to think back on that moment and remember how “in control” of it we thought we were. Its not strange for that thought process to happen to young married couples, but I always thought I “got it” that God was in control, but in this, I thought that we had control, and I was so, so wrong.
Fast forward 5…6…7…8 months and every single month, it was a “no, not this time”. No matter how detailed I was in taking my temp, testing ovulation, every single month ended in tears…usually on the bathroom floor. Nothing can prepare you for the roller coaster that infertility can bring. The hope that this will be the month, the feeling that we have to hope, we can’t give that up. The anxiety and nervousness during the two week wait-analyzing every single minute change in my body. The jealousy of seeing friends, high school acquaintances, and strangers announce their healthy pregnancies while in the depths of grief over the loss of another month gone by.
I’d like say that during this time, I looked to the Lord at every turn. That I dove head first into His grace and love. But I can’t say that. I let the grief and hurt take over and I allowed myself to wallow in the pain for a very long time. Imagine that you’re on one side of the wall, and on the other side is the life you know you were meant to have…and there’s no way over, and no progress towards finding that way over. I would hope that you would fall to your knees. I would hope that you would ask, “God, what is it that you want to do in me through this?” And (PRAISE the Lord) that is where I eventually ended up.
Thankfully, I can say that through this awful time, that I was healed in many areas of my life. That mine and Nate’s marriage (while it’s always been good) was strengthened and deepened through this experience. That in those months of waiting we were able to draw closer to the Lord and to each other. We were able to see the power of friendship as our friends surrounded us in love and prayer. While I hope I never have to go through this kind of pain and waiting again, I am forever grateful for the growth that occurred in the past 18 months.
“Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer” – Romans 12:12
After over a year of no pregnancy and no answers, we finally found a wonderful fertility doctor. After several tests that told us, “everything is fine”, we finally started on a hormone treatment plan (Clomid). Our first month on the treatment, we conceived! I carried that sweet child for only a couple of weeks before we had to say goodbye. As a Christian, it is my firm belief that life starts at conception. That in the instant that egg was fertilized, a soul and a human life was created. By the time we miscarried, that child’s sex had already been determined. I can honestly say that this was one of the most painful experiences I have ever been through. And to this day, I still am not over it – it still hurts.
Photo by Annamarie Akins Photography
Thankfully, we were able to start a second round of treatments immediately and incredibly, that second treatment resulted in the child I’m carrying now! This first trimester has been one of joy, so much joy, but what no one really tells you, is that a you’ll be a worried mess all. the. time. And I’m telling you, hearing that heartbeat for the first time (Our first time was at 7 weeks) is incredible!!! There is nothing like seeing that tiny baby that you can’t feel and hearing that heartbeat.
So, the reason I wanted to write this post wasn’t because I want your sympathy. It wasn’t because I think I think our story is extra special. It’s because as we posted our announcement on social media, I knew that there were mamas-at-heart (and daddy’s-at-heart) that were hurting as they saw our post. There were hearts that were breaking as they saw our celebratory post. I want those who are in the waiting, the depths of infertility, or are grieving a loss, to know that I know…I know what you’re going through. I’m not going to say it will happen for you one day, because we don’t know that to be true, but I can say that I know. And the Lord knows…and He has it all under control. If you’re there, with a broken heart, please know that while I am so joyful about my pregnancy, I am so heart broken for you. And I’m praying for you, whether by name or not, I know the Lord knows and loves you.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” – Jeremiah 29:11